Diversity in Friendships
The last year has had numerous challenges and things have been exposed both for the good and the bad. One of the challenges of the last year that really began to have a heightened awareness not just in my family but for many people was racial diversity and awareness of issues when it comes to race. When the turmoil of the events of last summer began to occur my mind began to process issues regarding race at a deeper level, especially because I have a seven year old African American son. I have always been aware of race because of the fact that I am an African American female and as I've gotten older my mom has shared with me some of her experiences being a minority female in the Corporate America setting. Last summer however was one of the first times I thought about "wow, I hope and pray that one day that won't be my son on the news". We wanted to protect our children and keep them innocent for as long as possible but we began to have age appropriate discussions with him when it came to race. I was intentional about buying more books with racially diverse characters and dolls for my daughter. We watched the CNN Town hall with Sesame Street about addressing the issue. We became more aware and my husband and I had intentional conversations about how we would address issues regarding race with our kids. The church where my husband serves as a campus pastor is very diverse not just race wise but generational wise as well. It's one of our favorite things about it. We love the fact that on a weekly basis we get to see and serve with people of all different backgrounds. Our friendships since we began serving there have become very diverse.
After the events of last summer I had a few non black friends of mine reach out to me and not just ask me how I was doing but ask for suggestions on ways on how to help their kids be more aware of racial differences and to even reach out and make more friendships of different ethnicities. I then began to wonder If posed with the question from your child or children why you don't have more ethnically diverse friends how would you respond? This question can potentially catch you off guard and should cause some deep inward reflection and prayer for some attitude and/or behavioral changes. Honesty is the most important policy in your response so respond to your child honestly. Children learn more from your example than what you actually say, and they are more prone to being caught than taught. Explain to them in an age appropriate manner why you don't have more diverse friendships and don't be afraid to be honest. It's a learning experience for them and a teaching moment. Show them through your actions how you will be changing that behavior. You can begin the reflective process by asking yourself why it is so important to have diverse friendships .One of the next steps you can take is to take another introspective reflection and look inside yourself and begin to ask questions about where you grew up, who your grew up around, and how that may have attributed to your current friendships. As you reflect, begin to think about making changes whether it be where you go, who you usually go with, or who you normally reach out to. Do you usually reach out to only those who look, talk, think, speak or act like you? Ask yourself why. It can even be helpful to get your family involved in your journey and cause a potential ripple effect of fellow family members who want to make positive changes in their friendships as well. Next, reflect on your current friendships ( how did your past or how you grew up cause you to be biased in any way? If there may be a bias you have, pray for a heart/ attitude change and begin to reach out for help where/as needed). Finally, start making behavioral changes (change where you go, who you go with, start reaching out to those who may not look like you). Children model the behavior that they see. If they see you as their parent modeling the behavior of diversity in friendships then as they get older and begin to choose their own friends, they will most likely have diverse ones because that is what they have seen throughout their childhood .So why is it so important for adults and children alike to have ethnically diverse friends? It is important because we can learn from other people and gain insights and perspectives from those not like us or that don't have similar contexts or backgrounds. They can also instill in us positive character traits such as empathy, compassion, and acceptance. What can we gain from ethnically or otherwise diverse friendships? Let's explore some reasons why having ethnically diverse friendships is so important.
Diverse friendships can teach us new things. Don't we all love to learn new things? I know I do! A diverse friend such as one with a disability can teach us about things such as wheelchair safety or how handicapped people get around, which are things that people who aren't handicapped typically don't have to think twice about. An ethically diverse friend can teach us new recipes or about their culture and history. As a result we can become more aware of others and more well rounded and versed in other cultures not like our own.
Diverse friendships can show us a different way of thinking. Those who come from a different ethnic background can think differently than those from our own ethnic background. Recently our church went through a five week bible study called Undivided and it was a video study led by two pastors, one Caucasian and one Black, and they covered various issues on race related topics. Our church is diverse and this was an eye opening experience for many of our members hearing stories and experiences they hadn't heard before from fellow members on things like microaggressions or unintentional biases, African-American male members and encounters with law enforcement and how they have to be cautious and how parents instill the cautious behaviors in young black children, and socioeconomic issues. One Caucasian church member said he had African-American friends, but they never really talked about some of the issues the Black community faces. The study was an eye opening experience for many church members exposing light on how church members of diverse backgrounds think differently. It also brought our congregation closer together and created a depth in already existing relationships and opened up a door for new relationships.
Diverse friendships can give us new insight or perspective on something we were previously unaware of. Through having diversity in friendships we can also gain new insights and perspectives and learn things we may have previously been unaware of. We can learn about ethnic and cultural stereotypes and how to avoid them, it can teach us acceptance of people who are different from us and how to love and accept people for who they are, and it can also teach us to have a heightened level of awareness of our own biases and how to confront them and change them. I once heard a pastor say that proximity breeds empathy. If we have diverse friendships then we are more likely to be empathetic to those of different ethnic and cultural backgrounds and help be a bridge builder when issues related to race, ethnicity and cultural differences arise, which is a key reason why having ethnically diverse friendships is so important.
So what changes are you going to begin implementing in your friendships related to diversity and ethnicity starting today? What kind of example do you want to instill in your children when it comes to friendships? I hope and encourage you to make positive changes if you don't already have diverse friendships as it will create opportunities for growth and instill positive character traits in both you and your child. If you do already have diverse friendships, look for opportunities for increased depth in your existing relationships.
Note: see the prayer and encouragement page for book suggestions teaching on teaching your children about race
